FUNNY "QUOTES"
- A perpetually growing list. Do you have one?
Ever notice that something
profound often lurks just behind the funniest of quotes?
Most recent first
I went on a diet, swore off
drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days, I lost two
weeks.
Now that I'm retired, I find
that nothing is ever fixed except my income.
Lord,
Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my
mouth...AMEN..!!
The
older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line
for.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.
The
easiest way to find something lost around the house is to
buy a replacement.
He who
hesitates is probably right.
You are totally unique,
just like everybody else.
I'm OK, you're OK.
I'm OK, you're so-so.
It's always darkest just before it's
totally black.
Flip Wilson, speaking as
the character "Geraldine" said, If you can fly this
plane 3,000 miles across the country, and find this little
airport in the dark, then you can find my bags.
Don't tell me worry doesn't
help. Whenever I really worry about something it never
happens.
Money can't buy you
happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of
misery.
No matter where I go, there I
am.
Motivation is what puts the
work clothes on my dreams.
I was planning to
procrastinate, but decided to put it off.
If you tell the truth, then
you don't have to write down what you said yesterday.
Diplomacy is the art of
letting someone else get your way.
If the Good Lord had intended us
to fly, he wouldn't have given us the British Railways
Older people shouldn't eat
health food, They need all the preservatives they can get.
If I keep waiting for my ship
to come in, I've already missed the boat.
I haven't lost my mind. It's
backed up on a disk somewhere.
Behind every successful woman is
herself.
A woman is like a teabag...You don't know how strong she is
until you put her in hot water.
All stressed out, and no one to choke.
I can be one of those bad things that happens to good
people!
Maybe it's true that life
begins at 50, but everything else starts to wear out, fall
out, or spread out.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
The cardiologist's diet: If it
tastes good spit it out.
"I try to take one day at a time, but
sometimes several days attack me at once."
You know you're addicted when you only
smoke half of the cigarette so you can start on the next one
sooner.
I'm so depressed that I would jump out
the window, if I weren't in the basement.
Yes I'm out of my mind. It's a
dark and scary place in there.
By the time a man is wise
enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Inflation is when you pay
fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for
five dollars when you had hair.
Happiness is nothing more than
good health and a bad memory.
The quickest way to double your
money is to fold it in half and keep it in your pocket.
I proudly pay taxes in the United
States. The only thing is –- I could be just as proud for half
the money.
Everywhere is walking distance if
you have the time.
Never eat more than you can lift.
~Miss Piggy
On packing:
Lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then, take
half the clothes and twice the money.
You can never get enough of what
you don't need to make you happy.
Computers are like Old
Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy.
Youth would be an ideal
condition, if it came a little later in life.
When a habit begins to cost
money, it's called a hobby.
They say a hobby can help
develop a positive attitude. A positive attitude may not solve
all of my problems, but it WILL annoy enough people to make it
worth the effort!
Add to the list:
seniorark@aol.com
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